In Which I Am Mad About Words

There's this meme that I've been seeing making the rounds on the twit-tumble-facebook-and-generally-teen-girl-o-sphere lately that people seem to be having a lot of fun with. As anyone who knows me personally will attest, the concept of others enjoying themselves causes me deep personal offense, so I figured I'd try and take the piss out of this one post-haste. Please, come with me on a trip. Journey with me as I take a moment to explain why I find this thing that other people like to be thoroughly dumb and why your disliking it also will lead to your  being a smarter, healthier, more devilishly attractive person who has lots of sex.

The meme goes like this:

"That awkward moment when [universally relatable uncomfortable situation occurs]."

And the reaction to one of these generally goes like this:

"Yes! This is an uncomfortable situation that I too have often found myself in! It is good to know that someone else has made similar social or personal faux pas as well! Indeed! Our bonding over our comparable level of social incompetence (or often the social incompetence of others) is most assuredly a laughing matter! Tee Hee!"

That... That's how these things talk to each other, right?

As someone with no idea what makes anything funny, even I can tell that as far as comedy goes this "joke" has about the same chance as making any intelligent person laugh as a three-legged racing horse with Parkinsons has at winning a blue-ribbon. I don't even know if horses can get Parkinsons, but if they made a movie about that it would probably win a couple of Oscars.

The entire joke hinges on the brackets up there being filled with something other people can relate to. They say it's funny because it's true, after all. The problem comes about when you start post "Awkward Moments" about something nobody can relate to.

"That awkward moment when my grandma and I went camping and we forgot our canteen."

HA HA HA HA.

Which leads me to my biggest complaint about this stupid, stupid, dumb, stupid thing: These people don't know what the fuck "awkward" even means. It is not an "Awkward Moment" when your go to make a sandwich and you don't have any mayonnaise. Fuck you! It's an inconvenience! It's annoying! It's a reason to use mustard, but it's not fucking AWKWARD!

awk·ward/ˈôkwərd/

Adjective:

Causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with: "one of the most awkward jobs is painting a ceiling"; "some awkward questions". Deliberately unreasonable or uncooperative: "you're being damned awkward!".

American youths have a fucking obsession with "awkwardness" which has morphed essentially be a synonym for "uncomfortable", but it's gotten to the point where they won't even let it mean that. "Awkward" has become another word for "bad thing" because they heard someone they know say it once and never bothered to Google the word to see what it actually meant.

That's where it started. Now they're playing this ridiculous game of darts with the English language where they grab a handful of "awkward" and fling them at the wall hoping at least a couple will still stick to the board.

-The Management

P.S. This is the debut of a new Label for Meaningless Meandering that I like to call: "Bitching About Trivial Bullshit". 

P.P.S. I feel like I'm going to have a lot of these. 

[Standard Comedy Entry]

I've been thinking lately that although my life is pretty full right now, something was missing. I did some soul-searching and finally figured out what it was, and what I needed to fill the void in my life, and, dear reader, do you know what I came up with? What the essential element missing from my life is? Perhaps even has been for as long as I have lived?

That's right! Tired stand-up comedy cliches!

I haven't been on a plane since August, and even then I didn't have the opportunity to sample the food, so my ability to comment on it's quality is decidedly less than satisfactory. In lieu of that, I've begun going to the gym (irregularly) so that I might work the "Unfit Person Tries to Get Fit" angle of hackneyed over-used jokes. You see, reader, it's part of my New Year's resolution to make this blog as trite and devoid of interesting subject matter as possible by any and all means short of simply not updating it at all for the entire year (and as much as I hate tooting my own horn (in public at the very least) I'd say I'm off to a rousing start.).

Watching Paint Dry: A more interesting (and also cliche) alternative to reading this entry. 

Yes, I've become the dumpy looking loser at the gym struggling to perform the incline press with 15 pound dumbbells; face twisted into an expression of pain and shame as my arms shake on the second repetition. As strange as it sounds, my quest to hate the person I see in my mirror every morning just a little less has brought me here, to a room filled with heavy things to lift into the air, surrounded by other men far better at lifting heavy things.

As any third-rate comedian could (and will) tell you, sticking to a new exercise regimen can be exceedingly difficult; there are literally a handful of things that can slow ones progress towards becoming the Adonis one knows they are inside. Things such as laziness, soreness, and general incompetence with the equipment are major roadblocks, but the one thing that gets me more than anything is that I haven't once seen a single other person there in the same "just getting started" physique as me.

Logically we have to assume that these people started somewhere. I mean, nobody jumps solo on their first sky-diving lesson, right? Walking into a gym, though, the lack of other flabby weak-ass bros gives you the impression that these other guys were made to lift heavy shit, like the doctor slapped these motherfuckers on the ass and then spotted them while they bench-pressed the placenta.

I'm going to tell you the laziness of the edit is part of the joke, and you're going to believe me.

The idea that they were probably just like me when they started out, though? I have to admit, that humanizes them a little bit for me. I think pretty much everyone has the same end-goal in mind when they start a work-out routine, though. It pretty much boils down to: Look better, feel better and intimidate the shit out of the newbies once you do. 

It's a three step program. 

-The Management

Time to Get Dumb Whiny Shit Off the Top Entry

I should do something creative!

HA HA HA NOPE