I've been thinking lately that although my life is pretty full right now, something was missing. I did some soul-searching and finally figured out what it was, and what I needed to fill the void in my life, and, dear reader, do you know what I came up with? What the essential element missing from my life is? Perhaps even has been for as long as I have lived?
That's right! Tired stand-up comedy cliches!
I haven't been on a plane since August, and even then I didn't have the opportunity to sample the food, so my ability to comment on it's quality is decidedly less than satisfactory. In lieu of that, I've begun going to the gym (irregularly) so that I might work the "Unfit Person Tries to Get Fit" angle of hackneyed over-used jokes. You see, reader, it's part of my New Year's resolution to make this blog as trite and devoid of interesting subject matter as possible by any and all means short of simply not updating it at all for the entire year (and as much as I hate tooting my own horn (in public at the very least) I'd say I'm off to a rousing start.).
Yes, I've become the dumpy looking loser at the gym struggling to perform the incline press with 15 pound dumbbells; face twisted into an expression of pain and shame as my arms shake on the second repetition. As strange as it sounds, my quest to hate the person I see in my mirror every morning just a little less has brought me here, to a room filled with heavy things to lift into the air, surrounded by other men far better at lifting heavy things.
As any third-rate comedian could (and will) tell you, sticking to a new exercise regimen can be exceedingly difficult; there are literally a handful of things that can slow ones progress towards becoming the Adonis one knows they are inside. Things such as laziness, soreness, and general incompetence with the equipment are major roadblocks, but the one thing that gets me more than anything is that I haven't once seen a single other person there in the same "just getting started" physique as me.
Logically we have to assume that these people started somewhere. I mean, nobody jumps solo on their first sky-diving lesson, right? Walking into a gym, though, the lack of other flabby weak-ass bros gives you the impression that these other guys were made to lift heavy shit, like the doctor slapped these motherfuckers on the ass and then spotted them while they bench-pressed the placenta.
The idea that they were probably just like me when they started out, though? I have to admit, that humanizes them a little bit for me. I think pretty much everyone has the same end-goal in mind when they start a work-out routine, though. It pretty much boils down to: Look better, feel better and intimidate the shit out of the newbies once you do.
That's right! Tired stand-up comedy cliches!
I haven't been on a plane since August, and even then I didn't have the opportunity to sample the food, so my ability to comment on it's quality is decidedly less than satisfactory. In lieu of that, I've begun going to the gym (irregularly) so that I might work the "Unfit Person Tries to Get Fit" angle of hackneyed over-used jokes. You see, reader, it's part of my New Year's resolution to make this blog as trite and devoid of interesting subject matter as possible by any and all means short of simply not updating it at all for the entire year (and as much as I hate tooting my own horn (in public at the very least) I'd say I'm off to a rousing start.).
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| Watching Paint Dry: A more interesting (and also cliche) alternative to reading this entry. |
Yes, I've become the dumpy looking loser at the gym struggling to perform the incline press with 15 pound dumbbells; face twisted into an expression of pain and shame as my arms shake on the second repetition. As strange as it sounds, my quest to hate the person I see in my mirror every morning just a little less has brought me here, to a room filled with heavy things to lift into the air, surrounded by other men far better at lifting heavy things.
As any third-rate comedian could (and will) tell you, sticking to a new exercise regimen can be exceedingly difficult; there are literally a handful of things that can slow ones progress towards becoming the Adonis one knows they are inside. Things such as laziness, soreness, and general incompetence with the equipment are major roadblocks, but the one thing that gets me more than anything is that I haven't once seen a single other person there in the same "just getting started" physique as me.
Logically we have to assume that these people started somewhere. I mean, nobody jumps solo on their first sky-diving lesson, right? Walking into a gym, though, the lack of other flabby weak-ass bros gives you the impression that these other guys were made to lift heavy shit, like the doctor slapped these motherfuckers on the ass and then spotted them while they bench-pressed the placenta.
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| I'm going to tell you the laziness of the edit is part of the joke, and you're going to believe me. |
It's a three step program.
-The Management
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