Air Buddies: Why Do They Exist?

There are a number of things in life I'm aware I'll never fully understand. A few quick examples include: Truck Balls, wearing camouflage in suburban areas, the enduring popularity of Jeff Dunham and women (am I right, men?).

Highest on this list (at least at the time of this writing) is the Air Buddies franchise.

Just in case you don't remember, Air BUD was the heartwarming tale (or should I say tail?) of a boy and his dog taking the rock to the net. Occasionally from downtown.

The basic plot revolved around a boy named Josh who was too much of a wuss to try out for his school's basketball team and instead adopts a dog named Buddy. Actually it might not have been "instead", necessarily, I don't really remember. At any rate, the dog, as it turns out, is not only an exceptionally skilled basketball player, but better by a great deal than Josh. This roller coaster ride of a plot comes to a head when Buddy's original owner, an alcoholic birthday clown, show up and tries to take Buddy back after having realized how valuable he is. This results in a stand off where Mr. Antagonist and Josh stand on either side of Buddy calling at him to come to them. Buddy chooses Josh (obviously) and if memory serves, something wacky probably happens to Sir Bad Guy, like getting a sticky substance like fudge or syrup dropped on him or something.

Through several direct to video and DVD sequels with names like Air Bud: Golden Receiver Buddy would crush the spirits of little league teams everywhere by defeating them in sports where having thumbs served a significant advantage and truly cementing how little a fuck the Refs of kids sports actually give.

Finally after several years of imitators and increasingly ludicrous premises for the films themselves, someone decided to step in and do something about this mess of a franchise (Unfortunately for fans of Michael Phelps, his planned cameo in Air Bud: Water Logged Dog never materialized due to the script of the movie being rejected). Finally. It was over. Finally, we could sleep.

Or could we.

Just when the universe collectively thought it was safe to go back into the water, so to speak, executives, apparently still as keen on the idea of a dog playing sports as I was when I was seven decided that one dog that could play a shit-load of sports wasn't RAD enough. Instead they opted for a shit-load of dogs that could play one sport each.

Also, they could talk.

No reasonable explanation is ever given for this.

Saddled with his precious mistakes, Buddy became a stoic, soft-spoken stay at home dad (partially because he is a dog, and cannot talk, and would just as soon eat his puppies as nurture them) while the Buddies (who, I'm told do all have names or something) go increasingly insane adventures, each one making the fact that they all play sports a little less significant.

In the third movie, Space Buddies, the puppies went to space.

What.

D'aw.

Also, what.

Travis! You are the LOSER!

No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle comes out next Tuesday.

Along with Tatsunoko Vs. Capcom.

Basically, it's going to be a pretty big day for the Wii.

Watch out for a review of both in the following week or so, non-existent readers!

My Brush With Death

Today my computer got a virus.

I wish there was some way to put a positive spin on it, but there isn't. It got a virus, and it was horrifying. I was trying to download the new Mountain Goats album and a little bit of carelessness got me saddled with a Trojan, a Worm, and a plain, old-fashioned Virus. I put my torrent into the queue a was very promptly met with the vocalization, "NEW VIRUS DETECTED". I brushed it off initially as so many of us do, but my screen started flickering, making weird crackling noises and letting me know that I could be sued because my PC was being used as a spam-bot, I leapt into action.

As I said, the first thing my protection software did was alert me to the presence of the Virus', (which was helpful indeed, though I doubt I'd have been able to ignore them for long). Unfortunately when I tried to get the software to do something about it it told me I had to purchase the full version of program before I could.

What.

Consider, if you will, that someone has told you outright that they will protect you, and you, secure in this knowledge get yourself into admittedly precarious situations because of the added assurance. Now consider someone wants to punch you in the face repeatedly, but when you go to your body-guard, you are told that, while they are in fact capable of dealing the brutes attacking you, you will need to give them forty dollars before they lift a finger to help. Finally, consider that you are getting the ever-loving shit kicked out of you, and that, during the course of said shit-kicking your "body-guard" intermittently chimes in with, "Hey, there are some dudes punching you," and, "Forty dollars and I'll save your shit." Now you've got a pretty good idea of my situation.

Finally I resolved to just format my hard-drive. It was a annoying, stupid and I lost everything in the process. I don't want to be a douche here, but the after-math could be soundly compared to the Earthquakes in Haiti: Nothing was spared, there is nothing to do but pull myself up by my boot-straps and rebuild. And rebuild I shall. Feel free to send money and food.

It was a learning experience to be certain, and the most important thing I learned is to not use torrents. I should just get my friends to download stuff for me.

-The Management

My Greatest Achievement

The first time I saw this trailer I presented the following as a potential tag-line:

Mo' Mummy Mo' Problem.

It is, to this day, the funniest thing I've ever said. I am still proud of it.

Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?

Author's Note: The following post contains "interactive elements". Please open a 2nd tab containing THIS and press the red button when directed for full effect.

The Chinese were pretty awesome at crafting fables. Seriously. They rocked. It's impressive how they're lessons are still pretty applicable today.

For example:

The Tigers and the Strawberries

A Meaningless Meandering Special Presentation

Paraphrased by the Meaningless Meandering Staff

Once long ago there was a man who was approached by a ferocious tiger. Being that he was of sound mind and body, he of course did exactly people are always told not to do when confronted by a man-eating animal: Run away. The tiger, being the sleek killing machine it is, followed it's instincts and gave chase. The pair tore across the plains, the man's will to live apparently more inspiring than the tigers desire to get some dinner. Hey. Somebody should tell that tiger to lay off the fast food. (press button)

The man ran as fast as he could until he came to a steep cliff. The tiger was approaching quickly and with little other option, the man jumped from the ledge. Falling and assuming he'd finally given the tiger the slip, he saw as he fell that the tigers had tricked him. There was one tiger above him, the one that had chased him, and below him, sat another tiger waiting to eat him whole. "Resorting to trickery and out-numbering me?" Thought, the man as he fell, "Finally I see the tiger's true stripes!" (press button) The man swiftly grabbed onto a branch and held on with all his might. He knew that his grip wouldn't hold on forever, and that eventually, he'd fall down to the tiger below and be eaten. Sitting and pondering his inevitable death, the man took notice of a strawberry hanging from one of the branches. He reached out for the strawberry and plucked it from the branch.

It was the sweetest strawberry he'd ever eaten.

It's a story about a man with horribly mis-placed priorities.

I mean, come on! This man shouldn't stop thinking about these tigers to enjoy a strawberry. Foolish man. This story is about how people today need to pay more attention to their surroundings. Think of how many car accidents would be avoided if we told this story in Driver's Ed.

Feel free to draw your own conclusions about this tale. I've never claimed to be infallible.