A Dialogue With a Blog

Hey, Blog.

How have you been?

Me? Oh, I've been good. Can't complain. Thanks for asking.

I know it's weird, coming to you now out of the blue like this after all this time, but, the truth is... Well, I've been thinking of the good times. Do you remember, blog? The fun we used to have? I'd come to you late, in the dead of night and I'd whisper something like, "Sphincter". Sometimes I'd write a review of something that was too old to be legitimately reviewed, or I'd just generally muse about life. Sometimes I'd just try to be funny and fail spectacularly, but you didn't care. You let me write on you anyway.

And it was good. No, it was great.

I guess, blog, what I'm saying, is that... I want to try again. I want to give us another go. I want to muse on you again! I want to write outdated reviews on you again! I want to make short cop-out posts and use pictures as a substitute for actual jokes!

If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, blog, I promise you'll never regret it.

Yours Truly

-S. Crumb.

I hate it...

When my boxers don't have button flies and my dick falls out of them.

-The Management

Scott Pilgrim VS. The Meaningless Meandering Review

Michael Cera and Edgar Wright prove that love really is a battlefield with their new over-the-top Action/Romance/Comedy based on Bryan Lee O'Malley's hit graphic novels, but is this adaptation a knock-out or does this flick need a 1-up?

Scott Pilgrim is 23 years old, Canadian, unemployed, living with and mooching off his best friend, stringing along an innocent little teenager and generally being a procrastinating douche about beginning his adult life.

Close to home.

At any rate, at some point during his idyllic faux-relationship with the naive little Knives Chau he manages to stumble across his (literal) dream girl, manages to stumble further into a first date, and continues to stumble into her bed, and eventually a relationship. But there's one problem, Ramona has some baggage in the form of Seven Evil Ex-Boyfriends (exes!) who all want to beat his ass. Like, hard.

But Scott's no slouch! He dispatches the first with relative ease manages to get the dirty deets out of Ramona. Now knowing what he's in for, he agrees to fight for Ramona's love and, in the process, maybe even get his shit together!

Now, if the premise for this film sounds a little out there, there's a good explanation for why: Like many films these days, it's based on a comic book, which, from my experience, often have more insane plots than most other forms of media. I mean, as much as I love comic books, let's be honest, they're kind of dumb.

-Not Pictured: The Works of Mark Millar-

So, yes, this Pilgrim's voyage is based on a comic book, but this FILM is a love-letter to video games and nerdom and all of the awesome things I endorse with the very fiber of my being. The original books were FILLED with little nods and what-have-yous to video games, but the fact that this is a film (and thus has sound and non-static visuals) just manages to take it to an absurd new level. There is always, always, ALWAYS something going on. From little touches to very iconic music playing during a dream sequence, to the villains bursting into coins upon defeat, and an announcer screaming KO, this film is a total special effects overload from beginning to end, and because of this it is a BLAST to watch. The one problem with the film's aesthetic, in fact, is that it might be just a little TOO hyper-kinetic for some, it has the potential to be exhausting for those not knowing what they're in for.

Fights are well choreographed and always interesting. Fans doubting Michael Cera's capacity to be an action star will not be disappointed. Though his performance still retains some of his typical Cera flare (or lack thereof, I suppose) he manages to pull off a convincing Scott and actually looks pretty damn cool in some scenes. The rest of the cast does a great job as well, Winstead's very sexy as Ramona (though she plays her a little flatter than I'd read her), Wallace Wells is as hilarious and gay as he should be, and the members of Scott's band Sex Bob-omb, though under-utilized, are a lot of fun, too.

Now, the books are used as a starting point for the plot, but around the time Scott fights the third Ex, things end up being changing around quite a bit. It starts off pretty small, things take place in a different order, or things are happen in a different setting, but actually culminates in an ending that is almost entirely different from that of the books. Now, typically, the comic-book nerd in me would be enraged by the prospect of a film being unfaithful to it's source material, but this movie is such a rush, so fun to watch, and so exciting to look at, I barely batted an eye. That should really tell you something.

Do yourself a favor. See this movie.

VAGUE NUMERICAL SCORE FOR LAZY READERS: 5/5

Brevity is the Soul of Wit

Sphincter.

SMURFS. MOVIE.

Somebody has got some serious explaining to do.

Alright, alright, really I'm not angry. Somebody played a practical joke on some gullible movie studio executive, "Yeah, what the people really want is a Smurfs Movie," he probably said, and the other members of the board pissed themselves laughing, while their boss thought, "You know what, yeah."

Nobody's in trouble, I can't make that clear enough. I'm just going to turn off the lights for a second and I want the guilty party to make this movie stop existing. No one will know it was you, so just do it quickly and we can all get on with our lives.

*Click*

*Click*

Dammit, you guys.

Alice in Wonderland Review

In a firm indicator that the adage, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks," is in fact a universal truth, Tim Burton sets out to once again make the wholesome mildly creepier in his sequel to Lewis Carrol's classic tale of Alice's rather curious adventures.

Woo.

I, eh... I just don't know what to make of this one.

Alright, let's go.

Alice in Wonderland tells the story of the titular Alice's 2nd journey to the eponymous Wonderland and borrows elements from both the original Alice's Adventures in Wonderland as well as it's literary sequel Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There.

The basic plot of the film deals with Alice running away from her own engagement party upon finding that it was her engagement party and falling once again into the rabbit hole. Upon being found by the denizens of Underland (evidently "Wonderland" was a mispronunciation by young Alice (wat)) she is told that she may be the Alice, the one who visited Underland previously and is prophesied (here we go) to save Underland from the tyranny of the Red Queen by recovering the Vorpal Sword and defeating the Jabberwocky on what will be known as the Frabjous Day.

Anyway, Alice sets off reluctantly (and at various sizes) to find the vorpal sword, still not entirely convinced that she's not dreaming, meeting up with various Underland residents (many of whom have been arbitrarily given names, the Caterpillar, for example, is Abselom, now) along the way rediscovering her memories of her past experiences and finding that she has the strength to save the day.

So, yeah, it goes without saying, Burton has taken a few liberties with the Lewis Carrol novels, but that's okay, right? The books were far from epic and consisted of little more than Alice wondering from bizarre situation to bizarre situation and muttering, "how curious". On top of that, making Alice's story grimdark is far from a new concept, so really this isn't a huge problem in and of it self. Plenty of media empires were reinvigorated by taking something silly and campy and making it fuckawesome.

Alas, this is where Wonderland finds it's largest problem. Simply put: this is a film that doesn't know what it wants to be. Despite how appropriate it may be for the film to have multiple personalities, it doesn't really make the viewing experience more pleasurable. The climatic final battle scene, for example cuts back and forth between Alice's tremendous struggle against the Jabberwocky and the rest of the Underland residents own struggle against the Queen's card soldiers which feels like a battle out of Shrek.

And then there's this.

Keep in mind that immediate preceding this scene Alice had (with no prior sword training) single-handedly beheaded what was, for all intents and purposes a fire-breathing dragon, saved Underland from the Red Queen's evil and had a heart to heart with the Yoda-esque caterpillar about her past. It was quite intense... Or at least, it wanted to be.

On top of the issues with tone whiplash, the film suffers from poor pacing and a lack of characterization. Notably, the Caterpillar, who Alice seems to think of as a mentor-figure in her quest only actually appears once and has two very brief conversations with her. Despite this, she panics before the final confrontation and calls out to him for help. Character motivation is confusing and unclear. The Hatter is taken by the Red Queen's cards, and Alice feels it necessary to save him, but why? At this point, she is still quite convinced she is dreaming and that her actions in Underland have no real consequences. Still, she sets out (about an inch tall at this point for reasons I can't be bothered to remember) to save this person who she'd only just met, and who didn't do much for her outside if insult her.

Despite these complaints, the film has some truly impressive moments. Some of the set pieces like the giant chessboard in the final battle and the Red Queen's castle look great. As well as the costume design and stuff. It's just a shame, because if the movie had just been a bit more focused (on either the comedy or the clash of forces) it might've have been quite impressive, as it stands, all it did was drive me mad.

VAGUE NUMERICAL SCORE FOR LAZY READERS: 2/5

This thing.

Saw this thing on 4chan's /co/ board. Threw one together for myself.

TOTALLY LEGITIMATE.