Thursday, December 31, 2009

Welcome... To the World of Tomorrow!

In less than 24 hours (that's a full day for you Rhodes Scholars out there) it will be the year of our lord 2010. Just to give you some perspective, the Jetsons took place in the year 2062.

Tragically, anyone who remembers the Jetsons well enough to be waiting for Robotic Maids and flying cars that fold into easy to tote suitcases (and really, this should be everyone) will surely be dead before these great scientific milestones can be achieved.

Additionally, Suicide booths.

Which according to Futurama were invented in 2008. Which is now, as of tomorrow fully two years ago. Zounds.

That's right, ladies and germs. We are living in the god-damned future. Although, honestly, I feel like a lot of magnitude of this has been lifted by the fact that now that we're in the future, it's the present. Which, is truly depressing, this means the future is always a couple of years off. Because of our rigidly defined concepts of how "time" works, we'll never get to see awesome shit like this:


Maybe the key to time travel is simply not understanding how time works. Maybe if men and women long dead hadn't used the first sundials to keep track of when they had to move their rocks to their other rocks, we could all be living in a world of personal space shuttles and sexy flying saucer women.

Oh, what could have been.

Friday, December 18, 2009

One Piece: Unlimited Adventure Review



The Straw Hat Crew sets sale for adventure on the high siis, but can this ship navigate the treacherous waters of the Grand Line, or should this dinghy have stayed at the port?

Unlimited Adventure is a video game based on the hugely popular (in Japan at very least) anime/manga series, One Piece, the basic plot of which involves a young man named Luffy who dreams of becoming the world's greatest pirate and finding a legendary treasure. Unfortunately for him he's eaten a cursed "Devil Fruit" which causes him to sink like a rock in water and be unable to swim (which, for an aspiring seaman (hee-hee) is actually quite a hindrance) in exchange for the power to stretch like rubber. Along the way, he makes new friends, each of whom have their own dream they are trying to see come through (as well as their own atypical method of kicking ass(in Sanji's case quite literally)), and battles a number of bizarre enemies.

The franchise tanked in the US, mostly due to the terrible 4kids dub, not to mention the heavy editing they imposed on it. The poor time slot likely didn't help. Despite these problems holding it back the series has still maintained some popularity in the states due to the manga, and since it was cancelled Funimation has picked it up to try and reverse some of the damage 4kids did with a new, direct to DVD dud.

At any rate, the first thing you'll notice about Unlimited Adventure is that it looks quite nice. The textures, admittedly, are a bit dated but the characters themselves look good, and they all are animated in ways that fans of the series or comics will deem accurate. Thing's like Usopp's silly looking angled-armed run and Luffy's arms stretching out in preparation for a Gum-Gum Bazooka are really interesting looking, and you can tell the animators put a lot of time and effort into making these characters move and feel like they're supposed to. Oda's art style translates surprisingly well to three dimensions, and it truly does feel like you're exploring the World of One Piece.

The plot is mostly fluff. It starts with Luffy discovering a generically mysterious Orb, which reveals a desert island. The Straw Hats crash on shore and are separated from one another. As they meet back up, the begin to travel around the island, at first trying to find their ship, and eventually attempting to free and defeat a demon, because they're just that damn hardcore. The key to freeing this demon is in a bunch of sealed stones, which when activated, briefly cause the Straw Hats to relive a past experience, which leads to a boss battle against a major enemy or friend from the show/comic. There's also something about a new annoying side character being lonely or some shit, but the major draw here is getting to see these old scenes from the anime in the cool looking CGI. It doesn't hurt that the new Funimation voice cast is leaps and bounds ahead of the 4kids cast (although, admittedly, that isn't saying much), including Sonny Strait (Krillin) as Usopp, which I think most fans feel is pretty appropriate.

Throughout the game, players will fight against hordes of Marines, Pirates and some sort of Robot/Heartless Rip-offs to get to the penultimate confrontation with the beast that had been sealed away. Any of the eight current Straw Hats are available to play as, but there are really only a few you'd want to. As stated above, each character fights in a very unique way. Sanji, for example, uses a martial art composed entirely of kicks, while Robin, with the ability to generate any part of her body anywhere, generally produces hands and uses submission holds. Obviously, some characters are more useful than others, and it's not surprising that players are going to gravitate more towards the canonically more powerful characters (Luffy, Zoro, Sanji) to do most of the heavy lifting as they're not only more fun to play as, but more effective.

Interestingly, the games leveling system doesn't give each character a specific level, but awards a numbered level to each specific attack the character has. The attacks gain experience with use, and new attacks and upgrades are unlocked as the old ones level up. It's not advisable to focus on just one character, though, because it's likely you'll find yourself relying on you're lesser used Pirates to get you out of sticky situations. Additionally, the game has devised a clever way of getting the player to avoid using the same attacks over and over again: A column appears to the right on the HUD during combat with a list of attacks that the player needs to perform (in any order). Once down to the last one on the list, it becomes a "Break Shot" an absurdly powerful variation of the original, that not only sends those hit with it bouncing about the screen, but explodes them into a bunch of special power and health orbs. Once again, truly helpful in a pinch.

Also contained within is a fairly robust multi-player mode, wherein any character defeated in the story-line is unlocked for use in head to head combat. Finally, fans can know who would win in a fight between Mr. 2 and Red-Haired Shanks!


Now onto the bad parts. Taking away from what could have otherwise been one of the best video-game adaptions of an anime is the way the game artificially extends itself. The Orb Luffy discovers is necessary for progress in the game, it opens new areas and and occasionally and dramatically alters the landscape of the island. Unfortunately, for it to do these things, it needs "Orb Power", which is created by sacrificing a lot of the shit you find lying around the island. Lumber, animals, plants, bugs, you name it, it's going into the orb. Particularly frustrating is the limited amount of storage space available to players, and the fact that sometimes to activate the orb, a specific item is needed intact (which is to say, not as Orb Power) in your inventory. Frequently, I would power up the orb and move forward, only to find that the next Orb Point required me to have an item I'd just converted to power. What this leads to is a exercise in controller destroying frustration. Your fun quirky action game is now a glorified scavenger hunt which would be bad enough, never mind the fact that often times, the necessary items are not only in separate areas, but frequently need to be combined to be generated at all. Another minor gripe is the way the game chugs sometimes when a lot of enemies are on screen. It's nothing super bad, but it's visibly noticeable, and when you're already pissed about having to go all the way back to Cave area to find a volcanic rock so you can make some progress in the mountain area, it's more than enough to make the game a bad choice when in the presence of children.

I'm a bit bias here. I'm a pretty big fan of the One Piece comic, and I recognize that if it wasn't for my enjoyment of these characters a lot of the things I said here wouldn't be acceptable, but the combat is fun and the world is lush and the bottom line here is that if you're a fan of this franchise at all you're probably going to be able to look past the games flaws for the opportunity to go Gear 2nd.

SCORE FOR ONE PIECE FANS: 4/5

SCORE FOR EVERYONE ELSE: 2/5

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to got catch an ice lizard and dig up a volcanic rock so I can unlock my car door.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

What Happens Next?

If anybody has any ideas, please tell me. I'm spent.

-The Management

Sunday, November 29, 2009

He is Watching

It happens every once in a while.

A chill will run down my spine, I'll shiver and (curiously enough) I'll feel my nipples get hard. That's when I know he's watching me. Used to be I'd look for him, but he's been around so long that anymore, I don't even glance up from what I'm doing. Used to be I'd try to tell people about him, panic, get questions about why I'm looking so distressed. Used to be I'd pray for his departure and dread his arrival. Used to be I was frightened.

First time I ever saw him I was 6th grade. I was sitting in class. My math teacher Mr. Cross was babbling on about something and I was absent-mindedly staring out the window at the playground as I was wont to during my math classes. That day I was watching the girl's PE class play a particularly cut-throat game of soccer when he appeared. It was odd, because, if he hadn't appeared out of thin air, I hadn't noticed him up until that point, and I sure as hell know that he's not the type of thing you miss. At any rate, he stood there in the middle of the soccer field staring in the window and I felt the searing heat of being looked upon. The first thing I noticed was his lack of facial features besides his eyes. Where mouth, nose and ears were meant to be was smooth skin and nothing else. Upon my years of time spent with the wretched thing I would come to notice other strange physical attributes that only closer inspection could reveal. At this first, chance meeting, I couldn't see his eyes, that glowed fully with an uncolor that can't be described as gray, but can't truly be compared to any other color, and the extra digit on each of his hands. Sitting in math class that day, I tried to ignore him but found it impossible. This tall featureless man standing in the middle of the soccer game that no one seemed to notice. It terrified and intrigued me.

Weeks at a time. Every day. He was there. Broad day light. I asked other people about him and they only scoffed. Therapists dismissed the beast as the product of wild imagination or delusions. I was put on medication and the thing disappeared. For the time being at least. It wasn't till I was in high school that the thing came back. And he's been with me ever since. Not all at once, mind you, he comes and goes as he sees fit, and stays until he goes. There is no constant on the distance at which he appears, sometimes he's across the street, and for one horrifying weekend appeared in the doorway of my living room. Approaching him is out of the question. Speaking to him equally so, as when I attempt to do so, the ability alludes me.

That being the case, our interaction is limited, but we do have an unspoken understanding and it is this: Someday, he will end me. And I get to live until he does.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I want to say something profound

I want to say something profound. I want to be quotable.

50 years after my death, I want a comment I made in passing at a cocktail party to be displayed proudly on middle America's bumper. I want my musings plastered on a poster in someone's cubicle next to the cat that says "hang in there". I want to be inspirational, thought-provoking, clever and hilarious all wrapped up in one convenient package. I want to see something I did being praised and not lay claim to it. I want to be the guy that all the people I hate adore. I want to be the guy that all the people I like hate. I want to be known, not by name, but as the person who said that. I want my words to live longer than I do. I want my words to live longer than themselves.

And I don't want to look like a douche while I'm doing it.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Mo' Gun, Fewer Problem

I found this on my flash drive. It's a persuasive paper I wrote for my college English class last semester. I thought it was kind of funny.



As long as fire-arms have existed, there too has existed a certain breed of person who, for one reason or another, seeks to ruin everyone else's gun totin' fun. Criminals (or even the occasional gun wielding lunatic) have convinced much of America that guns are the root of a lot of the violent occurrences in our country, and as a result, several attempts have been made at making the guns themselves more difficult to obtain. While this may be at first construed by bystanders (and even the people responsible for the movements themselves) as a genuine attempt to protect the innocent people of our freedom loving land, it is entirely possible that these movements are hindering more than they are helping.

Let us imagine, if only for a moment, an America where "Guns are outlawed," and, "Only outlaws have guns."
One morning a robbery occurs, the clerk at the convince store has no means by which to defend himself, and when the gun is drawn, the customers simply cower behind the shelves. By the time the police arrive (as the clerk has pushed the silent alarm button) the robber has made a clean get away.

Now, let us imagine this same scenario, but instead of helpless customers and clerks, let us imagine a world where a hand-gun is general issue for not only the persecuted Convenience store clerk, but every US citizen (and their grandmother).

The robber walks and draws his weapon. The clerk startled reaches for his but is too late. The robber has his pointed at him. As the robber demands the money he hears several clicks from behind him. He turns slowly to see three customers standing behind him, weapons drawn. Startled, and without much more of an option, the robber raises his hands and is forced to wait until the police arrive, whereupon he is given into their custody.

Now, some would argue that if everyone had a weapon violent crime would increase based solely on the fact that the ability to commit one would be much more readily available, but I say nay. Secure in the knowledge that everyone everywhere could "Bust a cap" in their "fanny" violent criminals would most probably decide better of whatever plan they had, and even if the criminal has a death wish, with every citizen now a dubiously trained murder-machine, his wish will most assuredly be granted.
With criminals (hopefully) thinking better of their plans violent crime will drop off entirely.



Ended kind of abruptly didn't it. I actually got a pretty good grade on this.

I'm not happy with this paper, actually. I admit I wrote it kind of hastily, but you dear reader, get the un-edited version. No matter how unfit for consumption it may be. And do you know why? It's because I care!

Friday, October 2, 2009

I Want to Ride My Bicycle

I busted out the bicycle today. "Busting out" referring to the lengthy and frustrating process of dragging it out of the storage room and up the stairs out of the basement. We have open stairs and the ceiling is low above them, when I turned the handle bars to get them to stop getting caught on the ceiling the tire of the bike slid in between the steps. After several minutes of what I consider a series of very creatively constructed expletives such as "COCKING SHIT" I finally got the damned vehicle up the stairs and collapsed.

Biking itself is a means of saving money. I've got to start paying rent soon, and now seems like as good a time as any to start being frugal. Of course, my free-wheeling lifestyle was supported in my early days by my parents being obligated to keep a roof over my head, but as I leave the nest (so to speak) I'm realizing that my spending habits need to be cut back a bit. Hence the bike. Pedaling around town will hopefully save me some scratch so I can get to places of necessity as well as keep up on the important things like vidya gaems and comic books. You know. The essentials.

At any rate, for those of you who haven't ridden a bike in a while, let me tell you first hand that it's no cake walk. Pedaling utilizes muscles I haven't thought about in ages, much less actively used. Because of this, one inexperienced with this method of transport will find that the transition between "Hey, this is kind of fun" and "Oh, god I'm going to die" not only comes up quickly, but happens without warning.

Even now, easily eight hours after my quarter-mile (potentially less) ride to my father's house, I ache in my legs. Remember when you were a kid and you stayed up too late? You're limbs started to hurt? If you asked my mother about it, she'd tell you that this was the cause of your body growing, something it does at night when you're supposed to be asleep.

Maybe I'm finally getting taller.

-The Management